Questioning Treatments

Today at 2:45 PM we are meeting with Dr. Bob of Boundary Trails Health Center in Winkler about the pros and cons of continuing or discontinuing treatments.Why would I call off any further treatments> (1) The cancer, medically speaking, is not curable. (2) The treatments are making me extremely tired, their is muscle aches involved, and itch that is requires constant attention so it can be kept in check. (3) The treatments are not doing anything that is overwhelming positive. Yes, the tumors did not grow as much as they could have, but I want shrinkage, not slow down in growth. If you ever have had 'faatah haan" (English lierall says fat hen) in your garden, you want to get rid of the horrible weedand not just a reduction in its numbers. (4) Since I have started these treatments, I have been going downhill and I don't like it. Stopping these treatments will (medically speaking) hasten on the advance of cancer. I will most likely die sooner. I am ok with that- I think. (5) I am hoping that stopping treatment will give me a few better months in which I can complete some projects and actually live and not just exist.
The reason for continuing treatment would be the ever present optimism that perhaps a miracle would happen and the treatment would do more than ever expected.
At this point I just don't think that the treatment is doing enough to make the suffering worth it.
Your prayers are cherished.

The Plan of Salvation in the OT

Can anyone out there give me a quick summary of the Plan of Salvation According to the Old Testament? In other words, how did the Old Testament believers come to salvation? How were they saved? I am preaching on this June 5th at the Pleasant Valley Church. Yes, this is way over my head, but I am going to prepare for it. Perhaps I can learn it well enough to relate it to others.

Speed

They say speed kills. It is not always that way. Speed sure can kill time. Not everything in my biking career is something to be proud of, but traveling home from Abbotsford, BC to Sylvan Lake, AB in about 11 hours is something I thought was a great accomplishment. I lived in Sylovan Lake from March 2000 to June 2oo5. During that time I made some trips with my 03 Heritage Softail Classic to visit my brother in Abbotsford. Good times. On my way to Abbotsford I would drive to Golden, BC and stop for night, then arrive early afternoon the next day in Abby. This time around, on my way back home, I had a long twist on the throttle. The Trans Canada Highway was jammed with traffic.I was passing 5, 6 up to 10 vehicles with one pass, and I was not even close to keeping the Speed Limit. It was a beautiful sunny day, and I was having fun. And I was making good time. Up ahead in the distance I saw another biker who also seemed to have going home on his mind. Eventually I caught up to him, and now we had two "middle aged crisis" guys tearing up the highway passing hordes of vehicles with one pass.
To this day I still cannot believe that I did not see one single cop! Our driving made us stick out like red paint on a John Deere. And no cops!
Somewhere along the ride I noticed that my new found friend lost his clutch case cover on his Harley. We stopped at a 7 Eleven and cut a circle out of some plastic jug and taped it on their with duct tape, added some oil of some type, and away we were.
I was always envious of my buddy back in Morris who always seemed to get away with everything, especially when it came to speed. Well, this time for once, I got away with it. I am still amazed no cop stopped us on that ride home from BC.

Resumption of Same Treatments

Yesterday they resumed the same treatments as the last cycle was- weekly treatments for 8 more weeks, and the reassess. These were not easy treatments before, I hope they are not going to be so hard on me this time around. I will approach them differently this time. I will take a break next week from treatment, and wil take another one at the end of June so I can find time to recuperate more from one to the next.  Too many of such breaks and the doctors would get suspicious, but one here and there will not be an issue.
Today's treatment went quite well. I let Julia drive home though. I was a bit dizzy and lightheaded after it all. And now I can't deal properly with the itch so I am up late typing this post. Can't sleep because of various things, but that's ok, sleep is not promised to be ours. We all have experienced sleeplessness nights in our lives. It's not the end of the world. At least I got to see Vancouver beat the Sharks in 5th period of their game. What a fluukie goal it was.
Anyways, thanks again for your supportive prayers for us

A Good Week

Dear friends,
This past week has been one of the best weeks- no, it was the best week since I started this cetexamub biological agent drug. I will not have had treatment for 2 weeks come Tuesday (when the next treatment is scheduled for). Today I actually never felt "bloated gut pain". Praise the Lord of Heaven and Earth!! I am sure the sunny weather helped!
Yesterday I overdid it, Thursday I over did it, and Wednesday I over did it because I CAN!! because I felt so good. Oh, don't get me wrong, I did not repaint Sistine Chapel's ceiling nor manufacture any Le Tourneau earth moving equipment. But for my circumstances, I did things I would never have done 2 weeks ago.
I am still quite weak, fatigued and listless.
To be brutal honest, I also deal with irritability. At times everything irritates me. And since Julia is the closest to me, she often gets to feel my irritability. I don't like it that I am this way. Kids who kill their mother blame it on the brand of baby food they were fed, and I suppose I could blame it on the ongoing frustration in fighting cancer. But that is not where I am going. It's my fault, and I need to deal with it. Please pray for me concerning this irritation. It's a cancer of its own brand.
Thanks!
Dear f riends, Tuesday I have a decision to make. The treatment I have taken for the past eight weeks was administered once a week for 8 weeks, and it was tough. During the last half of those 8 weeks I was pretty much on my back. I was not really living. Ya, you may have seen me bike to the store and stuff, but I was pretty wiped out during that 8 week period. Do I continue with this treatment? The treatment is not shrinking the cancer- according to the last CT Scan. Yes, it slowed the growth of the cancer, but did not shrink it. If they are going to suggest another regime of weekly treatments for 8 weeks, then I will most likely stop- unless the doc has a very convincing reason to continue. If they prescribe a bi-weekly regime of treatment, then I would go for that.
Please pray that the decision would be clear.
Thanks for all your prayers,
Chuck

Psalm 73

If you follow the “Our Daily Bread” devotional book as we do, you will have noticed the reading was Psalm 73. This is EXACTLY what I needed today. I have been quite low, maybe almost depressed of late. I don’t like it. I want to be happy.

Comparison conceives discontentment, jealousy, envy and general unhappiness. We usually compare ourselves with others whom we perceive are in a superior position compared to ours.

It’s precisely what the Psalmist is guilty of in Psalm 73. Comparison!

Perhaps I am in one of those stages cancer people go through. I have not read any book that outlines these stages, but here is how I would describe my stages. July 2009- diagnosis of cancer and a numbing stage of disbelief. Anticipation of surgery and hope for the best case scenario. August 2009- diagnosis that cancer went to the liver. Cold shock! August to September 2009- recovery from surgery, a period of getting better. Optimism and sense of hope. October 2009 to November 2010- treatment, a sense of hope that things will get better eventually but slowly realizing it is not improving. December 2010 to present day- slow slide into despair that things are not getting better. The next step I hope will come soon- acceptance of the final outcome and peace, joy and assurance of going to heaven.

Psalm 73:21ff describe me of late- an embittered heart. Since I do not know Hebrew, I am at the mercy of translations and commentaries on the meaning of the word “embittered.”  The TEV (Good News Bible) has it this way:
            When my thoughts were bitter and my feelings were hurt,

            I was as stupid as an animal; I did not understand you

                        (vs 21&22)

The popular NLT says it this way:
            Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside.

            I was so foolish and ignorant- I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.

I like how the Anchor Bible commentator Dahood puts it:

            But when my mind has soured, and when my emotions had dried up;

            I became a stupid fool without understanding, a mere beast in your sight.

Folks, that’s me!
I have a soured heart! Yep, my heart is embittered, and it’s soured!

Sunday morning (yesterday) was a brilliant morning of sunshine and just beautiful clear skies. The first thought that came into my mind was, “This day is not created for you, Chuck. You are not able to do anything to enjoy the good weather. You can’t do this and you can’t do that, so the beauty of the day means nothing to you.”
I was crushed.

Friends, it’s not always pretty what goes on in my head. I must get out of this rut. I want to get out of it. I need to get out of this embittered, soured state of mind and heart.

But look at verse 23 and on:
            NEVERTHELESS I am continually with Thee;

            Thou hast taken hold of my right hand.

            With Thy counsel Thou wilt guide me,

            And afterwards receive me to glory.

            Whom have I in heaven but Thee:

            And besides Thee, I desire nothing on earth

            My flesh and my heart may fail,

            But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Is it not wonderful that God remains faithful even when we push Him aside. Today it felt as if God took hold of my right hand.

Today was a much better day. I could eat pretty good for a change, and my spirits were better. I walked to the store with Julia (and back), but that was about all that was in me. I thank God for this day.

I hope today was the start of a grand turnaround in my life.

Thanks for your prayers.

Answered Prayers

Last night I sat on the porceline god (toilet in plan language) and just wept. I was feeling the itch coming back. The oncologist says its amazing what people will pick for adversity. They usually pick pain. Give me pain, but take away the itch. Give me pain, but take away the nausea. Of all the "pains" to deal with, pain is the most friendly. Itch is horrible! Nausea is vicious! Pain is managable.
I was sitting on the can weeping as it felt as if the itch was returning. My way to deal with itch is to take a shower and lather myself with Aveeno. I should be doing commericals for Aveena. I guess here is one. I got into the shower, weeping as the water hit the sores and stings the spots. Wiping down with a towel shrings the spots. And then on comes the lather of lotion- Aveeno, made from oats- one of the most prickly, itching grains a farmer can grow. Yes, I know nothing can hold a candle to canaryseed for itch. The word "canaryseed" itches. If they would make Aveeno from canaryseed, maybe that would combate itching even better!
I went to bed fearful, fearful the night would be a long one.
It wasn't.
I never once itched all nght.
I slept very well, having only once awoken by a pain spell which tylenol did away with.
Praises be to God Who gave me yet another itch free night. Thank you Jesus Lord of the night!